On The Path To Healing: The Key To Stage 1 of healing journey.
- Muriel C. Paul
- Aug 25
- 6 min read
Greetings and welcome back to me, who have been gone.
Except this time, I know a little more about what's been happening, and I suppose I can resume what seemed to be a huge stop on this path.
In all honesty, there were no stops.
If anything, I wasn't just transitioning. I was transforming.
If we compare the healing journey to a road, how would it make sense that there are no tolls, detours, or gates along the way?
Perhaps that's just my analogy, and perhaps I'm over-explaining.
I have been talking about self-regulation and teaching it to you, and then I started needing more regulation for myself.
Before I knew it, I found myself doing self-regulation to no end.
I sort of hit an obstacle that brought its own unforeseen and new circumstances, new characters, unfortunate events, and brand-new lessons.
So, I'll reintroduce myself.
I'm Mu, short for Muriel.
In 2014, I switched from my mental therapy sessions to practicing yoga, which my therapist herself introduced me to.
Twelve years ago, now, with Dr. Meyer, I was diagnosed with Dissociative Personality Disorder, not to be confused with Multiple Personality Disorder, as she explained to me.
Though she explained it very well, I'll admit that I had no idea what that meant for me.
I came in after my son's father had broken my nose during one of the last violent attacks while I was in Haiti, and I was experiencing severe trauma symptoms.
As soon as I started practicing yoga and felt a complete shift in how I experienced my daily life, as well as a newly developed will toward something, I was immediately hooked.
This eventually led me to pursue training to become a yoga teacher.
I know two things now:
1. This diagnosis from twelve years ago is what's now called DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder. And back then, not to say Dr. Meyer was incompetent—not at all—but my current understanding is that we did not consciously address what is now commonly described as Stage 1 of the healing process for DID: stabilization and safety.
2. I personally did not skip that first stage.
I just didn't know that was what I was doing.
I had actually started practicing the things that supported my nervous system the most: learning to breathe, calming my body, rebalancing Prana, moving, creating new neural pathways, being in community, and being amongst amazingly loving and safe people aside from my family.
In both instances, I still had no full or matured understanding of what I was doing or what DID meant.
I was just living it.
And I stayed in what I now understand as Stage 1 for more than a decade by becoming a yogi, but with little integration from a lack of knowing and understanding.
It did keep me alive more times than I can dare think.
Sometimes through instinct, like saving my heart with what felt like a breath defibrillator.
Sometimes through voluntary acts, such as journaling daily, breathing, moving, creating, and finding ways to remain connected to myself.
[You can read more about it in this blog]
I understand my dissociation and somatic experiences as being connected to complex trauma based on my lived experience and my current understanding.
*But I want to be clear: I am not presenting that as a medical conclusion, nor is this my area of clinical expertise.
I am simply telling you what I have lived and what I understand differently now.
So I come and go.
My actual journey from Haiti to the United States with my son has not been an easy one.
As a matter of fact, a large part of my nervous system being stuck in hyperarousal has been connected to the United States and everything involved in caring for and protecting my son.
I can only think of others who may or may not be experiencing the exact same thing as me, but who may feel the same sensations in their bodies and minds.
And that has continued to drive me to explore ways of sharing what has worked for me, while also studying what has not been my experience so that I can offer tools to others as well.
I have, and still am, striving to graduate as a Clinical Yoga Therapist.
So not only do I push for others, I push for that also.
Which is also for others.
However, now, the sight turned inward.
For so much of my life, looking outward was how I survived.
I did struggle with thinking of myself and not others, even when it came to my son and what that meant for me. ( What did " You have to think about yourself" even meant, like how?)
This indeed sent me into the deep rabbit hole of dissociation mode, to the point of forgetting.
I even forgot I had this blog for a while.
And somewhere in that experience, I found a sort of key. I don't think the key was the brand-new diagnosis itself.
It was that my more mature and informed mind could finally understand something I had been living for years.
I could finally understand it deeply enough to resonate with it—to the point of feeling and seeing beyond the explanation.
Writing this, even now, I feel like the opposite of this current gloomy weather.
In the corner of my eyes, things suddenly feel brighter, as if the Sun were rising in the most epic way.
I don't really wish to get into this medical terminology much in the future.
What matters more to me is that I found a way to authentically move from here.
I don't have all of this—or all of me—figured out.
But an important sense of self returned online.
And my goal is to stay connected to it without forcing.
It reminds me of how far I've come.
That I am real.
That my passions are valid.
That my experiences are valid.
That I am still here.
And I cannot wait to see what sort of practices come from this embodied knowledge, as learned and lived experience—and in what amazing ways they might provide tools, relief, and assistance to others.
I feel highly confident writing this right now.
And I may forget I even wrote this as soon as I get out of this app.( I did!)
And that's okay, too.
Anyways, if this ends up being published and you have read this far, I want you to know that I am very grateful.
There are ways you can support me if you feel moved to.
Here are a few:
1. Stay connected.
Just leaving a comment is enough.
Liking and/or sharing goes a long way.
You can also follow along as I continue sharing my experiences, practices, and what I'm learning on TikTok.
@MU.MU.2U
2. Support my work directly.
I am not claiming to have a cause, nor am I asking anyone to agree with my story.
But if you feel moved to contribute, donations can directly support me while I undergo treatment and continue rebuilding stability.
You can
@Murielcpaul
You can
Zelle: 6178920056 Muriel Paul
Your support can help with:
Immigration legal services — I am not a citizen and, as of recently, I am no longer safe.
The remainder of my Clinical Yoga Therapy training.
Housing — we currently reside in a safe, established shelter, and support could help with application fees or building savings toward permanent housing.
Running and promoting the yoga and wellness services I offer. And more.
3- Work with me.
If you would rather support by receiving a service, you can connect with me through one of my services and/or donation-based offerings. Below are a few:
4- Stay connected to Healing House by Mu.
You can subscribe for free to Healing House by Mu and receive updates about new writing, wellness offerings, workshops, yoga classes, and other things I'm creating along the way.
And if you are local, you can also join my WhatsApp Yoga Channel to stay up to date with current classes, workshops, and events.
Follow the Yoga With Mu channel on WhatsApp:
Thank you for being here.
Perhaps this isn't the end of a chapter after all.
Perhaps I was simply learning how to read the road differently.
And perhaps the path was never asking me to stop.
Maybe it was asking me to become.
Love rises
Mu
Comments